I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
