P.S. I can't hear my feet
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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