i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
