You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The Olympian is in my bed
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
