Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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