I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
