Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
