Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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