We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
