It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
