I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
