doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
