Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
