i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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