Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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