My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
