we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
