How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
