Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We're too hungover to prance.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
