my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
