Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
