I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
