Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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