Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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