My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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