I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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