So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Randomize
