tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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