i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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