I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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