Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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