i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
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