No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
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