I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
