Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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