I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
