If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
