I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
