i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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