is your mom at the bar?
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
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