Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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