I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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