we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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