I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
