guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
