I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
