you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
