I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Randomize
