he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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