i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
