My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
