Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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